Unbalanced



There is a moment in my life, a month actually, where my life changed. Up until this one 30 day period, I was pretty balanced, but this one month changed everything for me. Going in to April 2011, I had certain ideas about what I wanted my life to be about, coming out of April 2011, my world was rocked, what had seemed so appealing to me before seemed strangely unattractive, and a new fascination had taken its place. April 2011 was the month I finally learned what these two parables meant:


Matthew 13:44 “Again, the kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and hid; and for joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.


Matthew 13:45-46 “Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it.


I had been in the kingdom of heaven for a long time before April 2011. In fact, it had been a large "part of very balanced diet" of my life for a long time, but these parables were talking about living unbalanced, and had eluded me the whole time. In retrospect, there were actually several things that Jesus taught that I had come to understand as hyperbole, or unrealistic, for a "real" guy like me. I liked my own gospel of grace...grace to be Tom...grace to be comfortable that whatever I brought to the table was good enough for Jesus, because He "got me." He knew I was really "on His side." He wanted me to "be real."


I had learned, over time, that balance was the most comfortable way to live. I knew Jesus was the Son of God. I knew Jesus died on a cross to save me from my sins. I knew that no amount of effort on my part was going to change my eternal address, and I "knew" Jesus wasn't going to grade me on performance...He was an "in or out" kind of savior. For a while, I actually convinced myself that trying to "be good" was heretical...don't try to add to what Jesus already did, that is legalism.


I thoroughly believed Jesus wanted me to feel good about whatever state I was living in. He would work on me over time...just not too much today, Jesus...slow and steady wins the race. This was my gospel of grace...this was my gospel of comfort.


As part of my quest for ultimate comfort, I began to believe, unconsciously, that Jesus had setup in the Gospels a great measuring stick of what knowing God was like, but nobody was really expected to try and live up to it. Only Jesus could do all of this stuff right, anyway...right? He would never make do all this stuff to be His!


April 2011 broke all of these ideas and left them shattered on the floor of my mind. April 2011 was the month I started to see that "comfort" was a glass prison that I had convinced myself was freedom. I had given myself grace to stay in a prison of my own design.


It all happened quite accidentally. I had been given a book about the life of David. I really liked David as a character in the Bible. I thought He and I had a lot in common: he loved God, and he messed up a lot. God loved him and overlooked his mistakes. I imagined David would have really "gotten me", too. On the surface, we both seemed to get this gospel of grace thing. As I read the book, one glaring difference between David and Tom came into focus: David recognized God's grace and used it to keep coming closer to God, while I was recognizing God's grace to justify keeping Him at arm's length! I would have never said this about myself, but as I really studied David's story, it became obvious. David was on-fire for God...I was mostly interested in me. Although for a long time I was a "committed Christian," my inner life...the desire of my heart... was about balancing my love for God with the acceptable and permissible pleasures of this life.


Because I believed Jesus is the Messiah, comfort required my life be "mostly" about God, but how far into the world could I go and still be all His? This was the question that mostly defined my life: where is the line between being a completely devoted follower of Jesus and being a "real guy." This question gave away the lie living in my heart: I was not wholehearted for God. My pearl of great price was "comfort"...not the kingdom of heaven.


David's inner life...the overwhelming desire of his heart... was to make God his obsession. Over time, God gave David what he wanted. The basic truth of life is that, in the end, everyone gets what they want.


When I started to see the contrast between David's real story and mine, I started to see that God honors what we desire. Because God has committed to love, He has fully committed to free will. We really do get what we want. Want a life free of God? He will let you! But don't be surprised when your choice to live free of the Author of Life feels "dead" and life-less. Want to live first for yourself? God will let you! But don't be surprised when you slowly become the only one willing to spend time with you. Want to live "free" from the "restraints" God put in place to protect us from the murderous consequences of sin? No problem! But don't be surprised when lust, greed, hate, unforgiveness, and addiction rob you of everything they promise to steal! We really do get what we want.


What I discovered mid April 2011 is that comfort was robbing me of fascination. I learned that David was fascinated with God, because he asked God for it. James said this:


James 4:1-5 Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures. Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you think that the Scripture says in vain, “The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously”?


This is a mouthful! James' words, when I don't have a context for them, seem harsh and judgmental, but these are the most life-giving words you will ever lay eyes on. James was saying basically this:


"you are so discontent, because your heart is unsatisfied. You take it out on yourself, God, and the people around you, because you are frustrated that life seems so much less than it could be. Wake up. You are looking in the wrong direction! You look to the world to fascinate you, but it is un-fascinating. It is incapable of holding your attention long-term. If you will ask God to fascinate you with who He is and what he has planned for you, He will give it to you. Don't you know He is jealous to give fascination to you?!"


Psalm 33 says that God individually fashioned your heart. He alone knows the desires He knit into it. He has a plan for your life that is designed to quench the thirst built into your heart. Nothing short of God's plan for you, walked out hand in hand with Him, will quench that thirst.


You can walk in or out of God's plan. It doesn't "just happen" once you get saved. Choice by choice, hour by hour, day by day, you have to choose what you want to fascinate you. Jesus died to give grace to walk in God's plan, not to escape it. Jesus isn't JUST an "in or out" kind of savior. Yes, you can get saved and then try to live your life "as close to the line" as possible, but that would be like me buying a ticket to an expensive amusement park and then hovering around the gate looking at the parking lot the whole day, trying to be fascinated by the cars in the parking lot. There might be some cool cars there, but watching them would be so much less than I could have experienced. Just because most people think the parking lot is more fascinating than the amusement park doesn't mean that its true...especially when those same people all seem so bored!


If I went to an amusement park and never explored the depths of it, I would be missing the whole point of the high price of admission! Jesus paid a high price for re-admission to the kingdom we were made for because what He bought you was worth it! It won't just be valuable "some day"...it is priceless right now! Greatness, fascination...superior and lasting PLEASURE...is available right now...


But you have to ask for it. For most of us, it isn't obvious. It takes God's help to see through sin-stained lenses how fascinating an all-in relationship with the Author of life is, it takes God's help to break from the pack of Christians who still think it was more fun to live the way the rest of the world does. It takes a sifting of desire and asking God's help...but it is so worth it!


What I learned in April 2011 is that if I want to live like David lived, I need to pray what David prayed, and pray it often!

Psalms 119:33-40 Teach me, O Lord , the way of Your statutes, And I shall keep it to the end. Give me understanding, and I shall keep Your law; Indeed, I shall observe it with my whole heart. Make me walk in the path of Your commandments, For I delight in it. Incline my heart to Your testimonies, And not to covetousness. Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things, And revive me in Your way. Establish Your word to Your servant, Who is devoted to fearing You. Turn away my reproach which I dread, For Your judgments are good. Behold, I long for Your precepts; Revive me in Your righteousness.

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